Q: I have just heard I need donor eggs (DE) in order to conceive a child and I am really struggling to come to terms with it all.

A: As one donor egg mom puts it, ”I remember when my doctor first started talking about donor eggs. I was devastated. It felt as though someone told me I had cancer, or that I was going to have a leg amputated. I couldn’t imagine anything worse.”

It is a big shock to find out that you have to say goodbye to seeing your DNA in your child. No matter how quirky we know we are, no matter how many crazy skeletons we have in our genetic closet, we still mourn for the loss of our DNA. After all, at least our crazy is a familiar kind of crazy.

Mourning the loss of that DNA is an important part of the process of coming to terms with the concept of donor eggs. And it is a process. No one wakes up one morning and says “Oh, I know what! Why don’t I give up on my DNA and do DONOR EGGS!” By the time most people reach the point of considering DE, they have walked a long, hard path of trying with their own eggs and as any battle scared Infertility Veteran will tell you, this stuff SUCKS.

I strongly urge you to work through this process with someone you trust. Your doctor, your shrink, your best friend or the amazing group of women you will find online at the various support groups (Check out our wonderful South African support group Fertilicare). If you need us to refer you to a good psychologist who understands this fertility stuff, give us a shout.

For some people it is an easy decision, a no-brainer. My eggs = no chance at a baby, donor eggs = much, MUCH better chance at a baby. But for others, the process requires lots of careful consideration and thought.

Let me assure you however, once you do decide to go ahead, you will feel a million years lighter and filled with new hope.

Q: But will I love the child as much as if it was my own?

A: My dear, dear friend, if there is one thing I can assure you of, is that when that little baby is born (and even long before), you are going to love that baby so much, you are going to forget that those 23 chromosomes didn’t originate from you, this I can promise you.

As a recipient mom says “being on the other side…. I can’t believe how much it (where the egg came from) doesn’t matter. It isn’t possible for me to love this child any more. He’s 100% mine, no matter how he was conceived, or from whom. I know there are so many people struggling with this decision, some feeling that they just can’t go the donor egg route. I’m telling you, once they feel that baby kick, or hold that child in their arms – nothing else matters. I wish I could put them in my life for a day so they could truly see. I wish I could convince everyone who is sitting on the fence with this issue. I have no doubt that some people will miss out on this wonderful opportunity because of the fears they have about donor eggs…..”

Q:Telling vs Not Telling – what do we tell the child, the aunty, the granny and the world?

A:  One of the topics of greatest concern and interest to parents or prospective parents is whether, when and how to tell the child about the role the egg donor played in their conception.  “Disclosure” as it is known in the local parlance is a very personal decision, and you need to do what is right for your child and for yourself.  Although my personal belief is it is better for the child to tell, it is something YOU need to feel comfortable with.

There has been some excellent research into this topic and I encourage you to check out this really great article by a Britta Dinsmore, Ph.D. – herself a mother after egg donation. “Disclosure Decisions” on the PVED site.

For great support and really REALLY useful (free!!) booklets on Telling and Talking about donor conception, please check out the Donor Conception Network site.

Q: What makes a mother?

As I sit on the couch at 2am holding my ill son in my arms, I reflect back on a conversation I had with a potential donor egg recipient today, a future mother. She has only just heard that she will need a donor egg in order to conceive, and is still in shock. Part numb, part devastated. Grieving for the loss of a child created from her own DNA

So many questions, so many concerns. “But will I feel like the child’s mother?” Will that child feel like ‘mine’.

Sitting in the perfect still of the winter night, wiping my child’s feverish brow, it comes to me in a moment of absolute clarity….being a mother is not about the origins of conception. It is not about an egg or where the DNA comes from. Simple biology does not a mother make.

The mother is the person who cradles the baby to her chest, gently rocking him to sleep.

The mother is the person who holds the sickly child in her arms, wiping her feverish brow.

The mother is the one who whispers ‘I love you’ into the sleeping ear, who wipes the snotty nose, who fixes the scraped knee and cleans the poopy diapers.

The mother is the one who loves the child regardless, who loves the child unconditionally, even on the days where they behave revoltingly.

The egg donor, surrogate or birth mother (in the case of an adopted child) is a wonderful, beautiful, generous person who helped in the creation of that child, but they are not that child’s mother. That child’s mother is the one the child calls mommy.

What makes a mother is not about what happened at the moment of conception; it is about what happens every day in the life of the child.

And that my friends, is what makes a mother.

Q: How on earth do I go about choosing a donor?

A: Right, after all that agonizing, you have decided to go ahead. Now the tricky part – choosing a donor! Again, this is such an individual decision. Being on this side of the screen, it has been fascinating to watch how different we are in how we go about choosing a donor.

On the one end of the scale, I have a recipient who quite simply said to me “I don’t care, as long as she doesn’t have a criminal record. All I want is a baby”. She was really battle-weary.

And at the other end of the spectrum, I have recipients who are still searching for that ‘perfect’ person, that person that mirrors all the good bits about themselves, but without the bad. A clone would be nice, thankyouverymuch.

And situated somewhere in between, lie the majority of people. For some people, physical appearance is very important. They would like a donor who looks just like the intended mother. Tall moms look for tall donors, blondes look for blondes.

(On that note – please note that it is illegal for Egg Donor Agencies operating in South Africa to show adult photos of their donors. All donations are anonymous so please don’t ask us to send you the donor’s modeling portfolio, we aren’t allowed to!)

And there are others who place less importance on what the donor looks like, but much more importance on the donor’s personality, or her academic achievements, or sporting abilities etc etc. As diverse as we are as individuals, is as different each of our decision making process is.

Having said all of that, based on my experience, let me offer the following thoughts:

• Children have this annoying habit of doing their own thing anyway, no matter how much we would like to plan and control the process. I have twins who look completely different to one another – the one is blond with olive skin, the other has fair skin and brown hair. And yet everyone says they both look like me. People see what they want to see.
• I often think it is a bit like choosing a life partner – while we like to think we are 100% sure he (or she) is The One, in reality we are taking a bit of a leap of faith when we say “I do”.
• Yes we would all like our donors to be super model brain surgeons who devote their spare time to saving the world, but just as a matter of interest, do this exercise….. if you were a potential donor and you had to complete the full application form, would you pick you? It’s quite a sobering thought!
• Please don’t judge someone’s ‘intelligence’ on whether they have studied or not. Having a degree doesn’t necessarily mean you are intelligent (says she with three degrees!!), it means you were fortunate enough to have the OPPORTUNITY to study further.
• Lastly, don’t go into analysis-paralysis. Don’t kill yourself with trying to analyze and interrogate every detail about the donor. Pick a short list, weigh up what is important to you, and then go with your gut. Go with what feels right for you.

Q: How much is ‘Nature’ and how much is ‘Nurture’?

A: Ah, the eternal question. We attempt to answer some of this on our ‘info page’: “You got your green eyes from your mother, and your freckles from your father. But where did you get your thrill-seeking personality and talent for singing? Did you learn these from your parents or was it predetermined by your genes? While it’s clear that physical characteristics are hereditary, the genetic waters get a bit more murky when it comes to an individual’s behavior, intelligence, and personality. Ultimately, the old argument of nature vs. nurture has never really been won but a shocking surprise that emerged from the full sequence of the human genome earlier this year is that we are the proud owners of a paltry 30,000 genes — barely twice the number of a fruit fly.”

So, in other words, we don’t know. How much of who we are is shaped by our DNA and how much is shaped on what our mother ate when she was pregnant with us, how much we were stimulated as a baby, good nutrition, opportunity, society…… We don’t know. I like to think of it like this: children are a bit like molding clay, they are born with certain shape and form, but what the end results looks like is determined by how much work and play we put into creating the end result. As long as they tidy up their toys and end up being highly paid plastic surgeons one day, does it really matter?

Q: How many profiles can I ask for?

A: You can ask for as many, or as few as you like. If you want me to send you 10 profiles, I will do so, I promise I don’t mind. Ask for as many as you need to. All that suffers is my poor bandwidth allocation and we don’t worry too much about that!

Q: How many eggs will I get?

A: Unless you have made a specific agreement to do egg sharing, you get all the eggs the donor produces…. BUT…. I want you to forget about every thing you used to think was true about eggs. I know that when we cycle with our own eggs, all we want is LOTS and LOTS of eggs, but donor egg cycles work differently.

Research is starting to point us in the direction of something that this infertile chick guessed was true long ago – lots of eggs does not necessarily equal good results. In fact, it now seems apparent that higher doses of sims have a negative effect on the quality of the eggs retrieved. Combine that with the fact that doctors are very, very careful not to overstim a donor, you will see why the aim is to get between 5-10 good eggs per cycle. Yes my friends, only 5-10.

Now I know you are all clutching your chests in horror – FIVE – TEN EGGS!!! Even my useless old ovaries can produce more that 5 eggs!! Yes dear, but wouldn’t you rather take five excellent eggs over 15 crappy ones? I thought so.

Seriously though, the success with donor egg cycles is going up all the time (sitting at around >60% per attempt!!) and so the doctors must be doing something right.

Bottom line – do NOT panic if you don’t get a million eggs. We don’t want the donors to produce a million eggs, only a few GOOD ones, right??!!

Q: I stay in Durban, but I would like to pick a donor in Cape Town and do my cycle in Johannesburg, is that ok?

A: It is possible, but it is tricky and a bit more expensive.  Some of our lovely donors have kindly agreed to travel between cities, but it will add to your cost.

Q: I would like to pick a donor now, can you hold her for me until 2012 when we might or might not decide to use her?

A: Unfortunately not. Our donors are young women with their own lives, we can’t ask them to put their lives on hold for us. And at the same time, we can’t predict where they will be in their lives in even a few months time, never mind a year to two away.  Your cycle has to start within three months of choosing a donor.

Q: How long is your waiting list? How soon can we get going?

A: We don’t have a waiting list. The ‘wait’ is only as long as it takes for you to choose your ideal donor. We have some absolutely wonderful donors on board, from all ethnic groups but if you are looking for a French speaking, 7 foot red-headed, blue eyed gymnast with a passion for animals, well then you might have to wait a bit longer until one comes along. But if your list is a little more in the range of ‘normal’, we should have a donor who meets most of your requirements.

Once you have picked your donor and we have completed the ‘admin’ of matching you up, the soonest your cycle can take place is 6-8 weeks. The timing is usually around 8-10 weeks. Remember that the donor first has to have all her blood tests done, and her medical examination etc, all of which takes a little time. Then, if everyone is ok, your cycle will have to be synced with hers. These things take a little time.

Final Words from Tertia

Egg donation is a wonderful option that gives hope where previously there was only despair. Without the generosity of our fantastic egg donors, there would still be too many empty arms and aching hearts. It is a great, wonderful, magnificent thing, but it is also a very big decision, so take as much time as you need, ask as many questions as you like, request as many profiles as you need to see. I am here for you all the way, it is my honour and my pleasure to walk along side you on what is hopefully the home stretch of your journey.

Big smooches and much love to all of you.

PS Tired of hearing “just relax” from well-meaning Fertile Myrtles? Tell them to read this excellent piece by Resolve on Infertility Etiquette for Family and Friends